Power Dynamics in Relationships
Millions of words have been spoken, written, sung, and performed to discuss the components of a happy relationship. Most of the time, the phrase “power dynamics” is not involved—and that’s a shame. While there is no magic formula for healthy love, unbalanced power dynamics will undoubtedly make this far more challenging. They’re common, can feel virtually invisible, and often erode trust and closeness.
With all that in mind, let’s explore the subtle tug-of-war that is power dynamics. It begins with a better understanding of what this precisely means. From there, you’re better able to recognize when things are out of balance and thus, how to address the problem before it festers.
Different Types of Relationship Dynamics
- Demand-Withdrawal: One partner wants to communicate, to talk about what they feel and want. The other, for many different reasons, would rather avoid such topics and conversations.
- Distancer-Pursuer: As the names imply, this is a struggle between partners who find intimacy in different ways.
- Fear-Shame: The dynamics above can arise due to fear or shame. So much so that fear and shame become the dynamics.
Not all relationship dynamics are troublesome. But they can only be kept in check if we practice awareness and communication. Also, there are external and societal factors to consider, for example:
- Age and age gaps
- Race and ethnicity
- Sex and gender
- Finances and class status
- Ability and disability
So, How Do You Know If You’re in a Power Struggle?
Here are red flags to watch for:
- Disrespect: This can often take the form of insults becoming a method of conversation. Teasing and mockery are disguised as “jokes” and soon, you find yourselves in an ugly hierarchy.
- Competition: Rather than embracing teamwork, one or both of you feel a need to “win.”
- Lack of Intimacy: As the power dynamic tug-of-war increases, you send passive-aggressive messages through how much or how little intimacy you experience as a couple.
- Pettiness: Social media is frequently the battlefield for jealousy and petty gestures like not reacting to your partner’s posts.
- Being Afraid to Speak Out: A major red flag exists if you feel uncomfortable disagreeing with your partner.
How to Rebalance Power Dynamics in Your Relationship
Of course, there isn’t a simple solution for every relationship. However, common themes typically exist. With that in mind, here are some suggestions to consider:
Identify the Dynamics
As stated up top, power dynamics can feel virtually invisible. Thus, an important first step is to recognize and accept that something needs to change. This can create momentum to drill down and discover the precise patterns that are sabotaging your connection.
Create a Safe Space
From there, you’ll want to re-commit as a team to make improvements. Put aside the blame and pettiness and work together to respectfully expose sources, roots, and causes.
Work to Create New Patterns
Toxic habits can be addressed and replaced when you both accept the responsibility of doing the work. Healthy relationship patterns don’t magically appear and endure without both partners holding themselves accountable.
Be Realistic
Unbalanced power dynamics don’t emerge overnight. Your situation has developed over time, and shifting to healthier mindsets requires patience. It also requires accepting that no relationship is fully free of conflict. The key lies in healthy conflict resolution.
Hone Your Communication Skills
Your foundation will be healthy, respectful, steady, and direct communication. It will steer you through the storms, so make it a top priority.
Developing New Skills
Everything about the above process demands that both partners pledge to learn and use healthy new skills. Perhaps the best workshop for such an effort involves connecting with an experienced couples counselor. Reach out today to set up an initial consultation. Let’s work together to bring the power dynamics in your relationship to a healthy place. Contact us.