Death is one of the few guarantees in life, but it is also one of the most difficult realities we have to deal with. Even as adults who have the mental capacity to process the heavy emotions surrounding death, we often struggle with accepting this reality. We tend to feel overwhelmed by our grief and sadness, especially during the initial shock of a loss.
For children, this concept can be especially hard to grasp because the areas of the brain that are responsible for emotional management are not fully developed yet. Whether it’s losing a pet, a family member, or someone close, children will need extra guidance navigating how to handle death.
Our role as caregivers involves helping them understand grief and offering the necessary support. Here are some tips for how to talk to your children about death.
Start with Honesty
Children are naturally curious about life and unafraid to ask questions when they don’t understand something. They’re also much more perceptive than they’re typically given credit for. They notice when there’s a vibe change or an emotional shift. When routines change, odds are they’ll see, even if they don’t understand why.
When speaking about death, it’s important to be open and honest, using age-appropriate language. Be direct, using terms like death, dying, or died. If they’re unfamiliar with these terms, explain what they mean as simply as possible.
Avoid using euphemisms, such as saying someone “went to sleep,” because it can be confusing. Allow them to ask questions until they have a basic understanding. Most importantly, be patient as they ask questions, even if the questions become repetitive. Remember, they’re learning.
Infants to Age 2
Children under 2 are too young to understand death, but they will pick up on any emotional or routine changes. At this age, try to maintain consistency and provide a sense of comfort. You can use phrases like “Grandpa isn’t here anymore.”
Ages 2 to 4
At this age, children still don’t understand death and may think it can be reversed. Encourage expression through creative outlets, such as play or drawing. This will help you understand what they’re feeling and begin teaching them how to process emotions early on. When talking with them, use concrete and simple language.
Ages 5 to 8
By this age, children begin understanding the idea of death but may still believe the person can come back. They may also believe that they were the ones to cause the death. Reassure them that they were not at fault and begin explaining the permanence of death. Continue to encourage creative activities as a means for working through emotions.
Ages 9 to 12
Preteens are finally at the point where they understand the finality of death and are working on awareness of their emotions. They may worry about their own safety and feel guilty about the loss. Be available for conversation and offer validation for whatever they’re feeling. Journaling about their feelings is a great way to start processing them at this age.
Ages 13 to 18
Teenagers are more equipped to explore the meaning of life and death. While they may prefer to have deep conversations with their peers rather than their caregivers, make your availability known. Respect their wishes for privacy, if desired, but reassure them that you’re there when they need you.
Be sure to pay attention not only to their words but also to their behaviors following a death. This is a sensitive age for developing depression or other mental health conditions. Watch for red flags of depression or risky behaviors as coping mechanisms.
When to Seek Professional Help
Grief is a natural part of life that we all will experience. When children face grief, they may need a little extra support and guidance as they navigate their journey. Therapy can be a proactive step toward healing. If you or your child is struggling, consider scheduling a consultation for grief counseling with us. Contact us today.