Parenting Neurodivergent kids without losing your mind or yourself. This article is intended for parents of children and teens with ADHD, ODD, PDA, and/or DMDD.
It starts with a suspicion that something may not be right. The toddler years are over, but the meltdowns persist. You watch your child’s peers mature around you, but your child’s behavior is uncontrollable, hurtful, and even scary.
So naturally, you start to look for help – and there are a lot of options out there: therapy, social skills training, parent training, special diets, weighted blankets, occupational therapy, psychotropic medications, and more. You read books and try new strategies. Some help more, and some help less, but nothing seems to fully take away the explosivity when your child gets upset.
You may be disillusioned or even despondent. The mood and tone of the house is set by your child. You aren’t in control, you aren’t happy, and you need some peace.
How do we find that?
First, we truly accept that our kids are doing the best that they can.
Neurodiversity is a hidden disability, meaning that when you look at your kid (or when strangers in the grocery store look at your kid) they appear to be typical. This works to their disadvantage. If you looked at your child and they had an apparent disability, you wouldn’t expect them to behave like every other child. But often, with our neurodiverse kids, the temptation is great to do just that.
My child is now in middle school, but I still vividly remember when he was 5. The behavior was absolutely out of control. I was sitting with his therapist and told her “I just want him to behave like the other kids his age.” She looked me in the eyes and said, “But he can’t.”
It took me years to really understand. His brain is hard wired differently, through no fault of his own. He is not capable of behaving like the other kids his age because he has a disability. I had to let go of what I had imagined and accept what was.
If you’re struggling with this, try this activity. Sit down and make a list of everything that is GOOD about your child. If you’re too upset to think of any, wait until they’re asleep, sneak into their room, and watch them sleep. Try again. Make the list in your notes app or tape it to your mirror. Make sure it is somewhere accessible so that when things are hard, you can remind yourself that there is good inside them. They aren’t a terrible person. They are doing the best they can.
Accepting that their brains are wired differently does not mean that we do not pursue treatment. Please pursue treatment for your child to the best of your ability based on recommendations for their specific case. Just leave lots of room for grace because even with treatment, there will likely never be a time that they look like a “typical” kid.
Second, learn to let go.
If you are reading this article, I am imagining that you are an experienced parent. You know that if you set a boundary, you need to hold firm. If you say no TV before homework is done, you, under no circumstances, let that TV come on before the homework is done. You know not to give in just because they needle, whine, cry, scream, or throw things. The problem is – that doesn’t stop them from needling, whining, crying, screaming, or throwing things.
This is where it gets really hard. I have already asked you to let go of what you thought parenting would be. Now I’m asking you to consider which or your values are imperative to hand down.
In my home, we were having a fight (complete with the requisite theatrics) around shower time every night. One day, while relaying my son’s latest antic to my own therapist, he asked me an important question: “Does he really need a shower every day?” In truth, I had never asked myself that question. In my house we take showers everyday because… that’s just how we do it. When I looked at the value behind the idea, the value was hygiene. My husband and I like ourselves and family members to be clean. Which brought us to the decision point. Was that an important enough value to have a fight every night? For us, it wasn’t. We moved to every other day showers. Now we have a fight every other night instead of every night, and we consider it a win.
Take a few minutes to inventory everything you and your child have fought about in the past few days, then take a hard look. What are you willing to let go? Maybe you fight about what time they wake up on the weekends. Do you have to? Maybe you fight about them spending a lot of time in their bedroom. Is that necessary? Maybe you fight about their eating junk food. It’s time to determine what the most important concerns are and let the rest fall away. If your child doesn’t shower every day, they might smell. They might get negative feedback from peers. If they get up late, they might throw off their sleep schedule and be tired the following week. They might miss out on Saturday morning activities and opportunities. If they stay in their room a lot, they are missing out on family time. If they eat junk food, they could jeopardize their health or physique. It is up to you to decide which concerns are worth fighting for, but if you fight them all, you’ll probably lose just as many.
At the end of the day, we are looking for a 5:1 ratio of positive vs. negative interactions. Essentially, for every negative interaction between you and your child, you want to have 5 positive experiences to offset this. In addition to attempting to add as many positive interactions as possible, you need to limit the negative to what is genuinely necessary. They get less nagging, you get less fighting – everybody wins.
Finally, you need to have someone to talk to.
Maybe you noticed that both of the interventions I mentioned have to do with you changing – not your child. While in parenting any child, the onus of responsibility is on the parents, because your child has a disability, the responsibility on you is even greater.
Parenting a child with neurological differences can be exhausting, overwhelming, and isolating. You may feel that your experience is drastically different from what other people are going through. We all know people who have looked at us with judgment for things that our children have done. We have all felt embarrassed when our children have acted out in public. And we have been misunderstood. How do we process those feelings? Where do we put them?
The answer to that is up to you. Whether it’s your spouse, a close friend, a therapist, or a support group, I recommend reaching out and finding a place where you can talk about what the experience has been like for you. When we get flooded by feelings in a situation, we are not able to keep a clear head and neutral demeanor, and we can actually set off more behavior with our reactions. Talking through your experience can help you process emotions and think forward to the best way to handle the next meltdown.Taking care of yourself IS taking care of your loved ones. You can only show up for them as much as you are showing up for yourself.
If you came here looking for a quick fix – well – there isn’t one. But with patience and thoughtfulness, you can mold your family’s life into one that is more peaceful and enjoyable for everybody.