By Ashley Freydenfeldt, M.A., LPC-ASSOCIATESupervised by Kallie Allen, M.Ed, LPC-Supervisor, CSC, CDWF
Working hard or pushing oneself to achieve a goal is an indicator of a dedicated individual, not necessarily perfectionism. Perfectionism is not just “wanting to do things well.” It is the belief that you must perform flawlessly to be loved, valued, seen, and accepted.
Perfectionism is often a shield for shame. Many people strive to be perfect to avoid the feelings of unworthiness that shame brings. When a perfectionist falls short, their inner dialogue may sound like: “You’re a failure. You’re not good enough.” This triggers more perfectionistic behavior as an attempt to “fix” the shame through performance or control. Thus, creating a cycle: shame -> perfectionism -> perceived failure -> more shame.
The Cost of Perfectionism
While perfectionism is often praised, it can lead to negative outcomes like anxiety, burnout, avoidance, and low self-worth. The internal pressure to always perform at the highest level creates a harsh inner critic. When your worth is tied to performance or how others perceive you, it becomes conditional. This conditional self-worth leads to shame when you fall short and can make self-compassion feel impossible.
Origins of Perfectionism
Our childhood experiences often shape the mental noise we carry later in life. In homes with emotional instability or dysfunction, children often take on the role of the “perfect one” to maintain a sense of order: “If I do everything right, things will stay calm.”
If love or approval were offered only when you performed well, were helpful, looked a certain way, or avoided mistakes, you may have internalized: “I must be perfect to be loved.”
If caregivers were harsh or critical, this may have instilled a belief that mistakes equal shame: “You’re not enough unless you’re perfect.”
If you were praised for being mature or a helper, you may have equated perfection and identity. You may have learned to suppress your own needs to avoid being a burden.
Accepting Imperfection
Awareness is the first step to healing. Recovery from perfectionism requires identifying old beliefs and gently challenging them. The next time a perfectionistic thought arises, you might pause and ask yourself if the fear is rooted in facts or in old patterns you have carried for years. Consider what you are afraid might happen if something is not perfect, and whether the cost of holding yourself to impossible standards is worth it.
Letting go of perfectionism is not about lowering your standards; it’s about embracing them. It is about learning to value progress over perfection and self-compassion over criticism. Freedom from perfectionism begins when we remember that our worth is not something we earn.
If this resonates with you, know that you don’t have to carry the weight of perfectionism alone.
Therapy can be a safe space to unlearn patterns and reconnect with your worth. When you are ready, I would be honored to support you. Contact us today.